All: And also with you.
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
All: And also with you.
I feel I can share a little piece of advice on "selfie" taking, Dear Readers. If you are taking a photo of yourself at a funeral, it is very bad form to make sure you get the grave in the background.
And even worse form to walk backwards to get a better angle.
Could all Beaker Folk note that, in future, whenever discussing or meeting a Church of England bishop, you should refer to them as "Shirley". If it is the bishop of Beverley, then the appropriate form of address is "Beverly". We will maintain this pretence until it is no longer needed.
Sunday, 8 December 2013
As a group of 12 fenland parishes in the Diocese of Norwich, we are looking for a particularly talented priest.
The anticipated superhero will be able to build up dynamic, outward-looking worshipping communities in each of our parishes. There's no need to be too dynamic in Charlock, obviously, as the village only has two families, and they're not talking to each other since the Civil War. You're not going to win that one.
Chugwell has a special ministry to agricultural workers - or, will have, once the successful applicant has set it up. Due to the nature of the transient working population, you will be fluent in Polish, Lithuanian, Greek and Portugese. Or, at least, willing to learn.
One of your major responsibilities will be to take the lead in the church restoration projects. Since all our churches are pretty much built on peat bog, emergency restoration is currently required in the case of all the churches. Especially Little Sprittering, where the spire is currently disappearing below Fen level. You will need to hold a licence for JCB operation, just to get in the porch for Sunday services.
Since the people of Hemlock St Michael were particularly fond of their vicar back in the 70s, and objected to being joined into the benefice, you will need particular tact to deal with them. And the resilience to deal with the dog droppings, letter bombs, occasional digging-up of your drive and vandalism to your car, garage and any nearby livestock. An ability to remove paint from brick walls will be particularly useful.
We have 2 church schools, and the vicar is expected to lead assemblies every day. And be on the governors' boards. And the same, or similar, for the residential homes.
Each church in the benefice expects Holy Communion every Sunday. Therefore our new priest must be a competent rally driver, capable driving at 80 miles per hour along uneven drain-side fenland roads, after drinking a mouthful of wine on the hour, every hour, from 8am to 7pm. In case of disaster, it will be best for him or her to have 50m Swimming Certificate, and the charisma required to stop the police administering a breath test.
Inspired by this from Angela Tilby in the Church Times
I should stress that the Druidic Remuneration Council is totally independent, and makes its recommendations based on the underlying rate of mistletoe inflation and the cost of gold sickles, as well as considering what executives in other, related industries (Church of England, Roman Catholic, Knitwear) are receiving. We do not put any pressure on the Remuneration Council.
In other news, it's that time of year when I announce the annual pay rise for the Druidic Remuneration Council. And, by a remarkable co-incidence, that is also 27%.
As I reminded the Beaker Folk at this morning's "Mortification and Desolation" theme service, we're all very much in this together.