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Thursday, 20 November 2014

"If Jesus Was Alive"

There's a lot of it about. "If Jesus Was Alive....."

OK. If you write "if Jesus was alive" you have no right to continue. The only reason Jesus is known today is because of the belief, held by his Church, that he is in fact alive. His importance rests on that claim, not on his teaching which, for the most part, is not that radical. We all, after all, know what good looks like. Apart from ISIS, obviously. And Kim Jung-Il. And the management of One Direction.

Don't go trying to own Jesus by telling us what he'd be like if he "was alive". You're just using our God and hero to back up your - frankly, rather pants - sentimentality. Use John Lennon, or Davy Crockett, or Lady Di, or Errol Flynn, or somebody. They are not alive (I've not included Elvis, you will notice) - or, if they are, they owe it all to the above-mentioned Jesus - and their reputations do not rest on the claim that they are in fact alive. Whereas if the Church didn't believe Jesus was alive, you'd never have heard of him. Do not co-opt our religion into your sad little world. Stop picking random good guys and attaching them to your own self-aggrandizement.

But - above all else- realise the great crime you've committed.

It should be "If Jesus were alive". Do you fools have no idea how the subjunctive / conditional construction works?

Ironically, there's only one person who ever got it right....

This doesn't make me happy. And he doesn't look a thing like Jesus.

The Day a COBOL Programmer Heard the Call to Ministry


IF PART-NUMBER EQUALS CATALOGUE-NUMBER
    THEN PERFORM C100-PROCESS-ORDER-LINE THRU C199-END
ELSE PERFORM C200-NEXT-PART THRU C299-END
ELSE - LOOK, I KNOW THIS IS A BIT OFF THE WALL
BUT I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THIS WHOLE "EITHER / OR" PROGRAMMING CONSTRUCT
HASN'T IT EVER OCCURRED TO THE COMPILER THAT, IN THIS COMPLEX WORLD,
IT'S MUCH MORE OFTEN "BOTH / AND"?
I MEAN - CHRISTIANITY, PAGANISM - WHY DO WE HAVE TO CHOOSE?
TRADITION VERSUS PROGRESSIVE MORALITY - WHAT DO WE THINK WE'RE DOING?
IF WE CAN ALL HOLD HANDS IN A CIRCLE, AND JOIN IN AN UPLIFTING SONG - 
"KUM BY AH" OR "LORD OF THE DANCE"
DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHAT I BELIEVE?
AND LOOK! YOU DON'T HAVE TO INDENT! 
END-IF

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

How to Deal with a Church Row (Anglican Version)



Make All Teachers Wear Hi Viz

Concern from Burton Dasset, fresh back from a day in the Smoke.

While proceeding in a northerly manner in the Somers Town area, Burton noticed a crocodile of schoolchildren. All, in the interests of Health and Safety, wearing hi viz tabards.

So far so eminently sensible, in Burton's view. Indeed, Burton once ordered a giant hi viz for his house, to stop lorries driving into it. Had to take it down after that pilot on the approach to Luton went temporarily blind.

But I digress. Burton's point is this. Given all the kids are dressed up like mini Bob the Builder tribute acts - why not the teachers? Are they not also in the gloomy early North London morning? Or does hi viz only work on under-18s?

Indeed, if a bus driver were to see hi viz-clad kids either side of the road, and none in the middle, they might assume the road was clear and progress. Only to discover that a dark-clad teacher was camouflaged in the middle of the lane.

No, teachers must wear hi viz, at all times and in all places. Even in bed. We've got to keep them safe.

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Charges for Criticism

Thanks to Broadway Hotel, Blackpool for the idea.

From now on, the tariff of charges is as follows:

Pilgrims criticising the Community........................................... £40

Accusations of heresy ................................................................£50

Pinging hazelnuts at the picture of Mother Julian ....................... 20p

Moaning about the food .............................................................£28

Letters to the Church Times ....................................................... £4

Comments on Guardian Articles .................................. 10 a penny

Complaining that things ain't what they used to be .................. 2 guineas

Failure to return borrowed pebbles after three days .............10p per pebble

Theft of the Ark of the Covenant ............................. 50 tumours of gold

Trolling the archdruid on Twitter.............................................. £45

Failure to read the small print .................................................... priceless


The PCC - A One-off Church Meeting / Chemistry Cartoon Strip


Monday, 17 November 2014

Flower Ferapy Fraud

Load of money I wasted on this. They swore blind to me that Bach's Flower Remedies were just the thing. Exactly the kind of kind alternative therapy the Beaker Folk would appreciate. So I ordered the complete set.

Bloody rose bush still died. Useless.

If Church Committees Had Written Famous Works

The Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)

"And so," concluded Elrond, "although I thank Gimli son of Gloin for telling us about the friendly welcome he received from the folk of Moria last time he was there, and we all laughed at the account of funny things Aragorn has heard Gandalf say in sermons, and though we agree with Frodo that hobbits are disgracefully overlooked for selection in the sport of basketball - can we please move onto the question of what we're going to do with this Ring of Power?


The Italian Job

Michael Caine: Hang on, lads - I've got a great idea. But before we stop the bus toppling over into cliff, can we take a moment to hear Mr Croker's reminiscences of what it was like being a gay gangster in 1960s Parkhurst.


The Three Musketeers (Dumas)

"All for one, and one for.... d'Artagnan, do you really want to divide by houses? You always win the "non-musketeer" vote anyway."


The Mayor of Casterbridge (Hardy)

One evening of late summer, before the nineteenth century had reached one-third of its span, a young man and woman, the latter carrying a child, were approaching the large village of Weydon-Priors, in Upper Wessex, on foot. I was that child, and I would like to share with you my entire life experiences from that day to now.


The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Lewis)

"Reepicheep, you can't make it to the utter East. It was tried before, in the last vicar's time, and it was a disaster." 


Julius Caesar (Shakespeare)

Antony: Friends, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your ears. I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. 

But before we start, can I bring your attention to the shocking state of the Senate drawing-pin fund? Over the last 12 months it has been running at 73% over budget. Indeed, if it were not for the tireless efforts of volunteers throughout the Empire, recycling drawing pins after they have been stuck into notice boards, having checked first that the notices they pin up are advertising events that have now happened - sometimes even straightening the pins out - for who among us, friends, Romans, countrymen, have not snagged our fingers on a badly aligned drawing pin.....


The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (Baum)

"I  am astounded," continued the Chancellor of the Diocese of Oz, "that you attempted to move this house without obtaining a faculty. Ignorance of the Regulations is no excuse. No wonder it landed on the Wicked Witch of the East."


Henry V, Act III (Shakespeare)

One more unto the breach, dear friends! After we've heard this 45-page report on the most cost-effective number of meetings to hold each year.