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Thursday, 29 November 2007

Santa

It is generally recognised that, although he was later identified with Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas/Yule/Winter is based upon a pre-Christian (and therefore probably Beaker) fertility god. Therefore the character we now know as "Santa" should in no way be dissed (as my niece Alysia said the other week).
Therefore - could whoever inflated that twelve-foot Santa please remove it from the roof of the cow shed. Also I'm pretty sure that tapping the power supply straight from the mains like that is bothi dangerous and illegal.
This outbreak of festive bling must stop. It's tacky, it's tasteless, it's burning up the planet - and it's not even December yet.

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

Bling

Message from the Archdruid

I notice that somebody has hung LED icicles from the eaves of the thatch.

Can they please take them down immediately? Firstly it's ages till Christmas, secondly I don't want a repeat of last year.

Monday, 26 November 2007

Spiritual Growth through Physical Labour

Notice to all Beaker Novitiates (i.e. everyone apart from the Archdruid)

It is a Beaker principle that communal labour is part of the path towards enlightenment - hence the mighty Silbury Hill, the stones of Avebury and the Five Knolls of Dunstable.
Therefore today's path to enlightenment is to include:
a) Dredging the Duck Pond (and removing the remnants of Duckhenge - I always said the re-enactment of Drake's raid on Cadiz was a bad idea)
b) Digging the Druidic Garlic Path, ready for the sowing of garlic (a traditional Beaker flavouring)
c) Pruning of the Druidic Apple trees - except the Mistletoe Bough.

Keep at it - I'll be meditating in the coal cellar with the Herbal Mead.

Archdruid Eileen

Saturday, 24 November 2007

Rise and Fall of Bernie

I now discover the explanation for all the new Beaker Folk. While I was incarcerated in the cellar, Bernie has turned my house and gardens into a Beaker Piligrimage centre. Through intensive advertising on the Internet and Chiltern Radio and in "Tea Light and Pebble" magazine, he has built up quite a clientele. He has also, with the aid of a spade and a few square yards of pond liner, created a "Holy Well" in the orchard - highly out of place in an area of sandy soil.

My first inclination was to fill in the well, turf out these spiritual nomads and return the place to being simply my peaceful home again. However, just before carting Bernie off to the Bedford Nick on charges of false imprisonment and fraud, Young Keith pointed out how much money the new Community is raking in.

Maybe I'll stick with it for a while...

Friday, 23 November 2007

Spiritual Awakening

It's been a while since the last records of life in Husborne Crawley. To a certain extent this omission is down to myself.

In mid-October, Bernie suggested I investigate the contents of the coal cellar. He said he thought there might be a certain amount of flooding down there. However, once I had ventured down the first step, I felt a firm shove in the small of the back, and heard the sound of the bolt being pushed into place.

After a moment of panic, I remembered my self-powering torch (always useful in East Anglia - climbing fire escapes is so difficult in pitch darkness). Shedding light on the situation revealed a long-forgotten stash of "Archdruid's Comfort" - a particularly potent batch of herbal mead that we laid down in the late 90s, back when the bees were in mid-season form and Daddy was still growing the lavendar and thyme borders.

Since this was the only available sustenance, I tried a few swigs. I'd forgotten the spiritual depth that could be revealed by an Old English beverage like herbal mead. To be honest, the subsequent month has passed in a bit of a blur. However this morning Young Keith, dressed in his best Beds Constabulary outfit, broke down the door and released me. At first the light was quite painful on the eyes, but after accustoming myself to the sensation I realised that the garden was full of Beaker Folk, taking part in the traditional feast of not realising it was Thanksgiving yesterday. The pumpkin throwing ceremony was particularly moving, although the "lynching of the Yank" may not have been totally suitable.

I'm not sure where all these Beaker Folk came from, but certainly it's nice to have them around the place. Particularly on the second Full Moon before Christmas - or, as the Extreeme Naturist Beaker Folk call it, the "shivering moon".