Breaking news...

Thursday, 20 March 2008

In Memoriam: Brian Wilde

In memory of Brian Wilde, Saturday's activities will now include "hiding in the jungle", "killing a man with one blow" and reminiscing about the war in general. Flying of old men from kites will commence at 3pm. Sailing dodgy boats on the Stewartby lakes will take place at 5pm. Running away from aggressive old women will, as ever, take place all day. Worship of the Yorkshire god Earnshaw, although never encouraged, will at least be tolerated. It's a sad day in Holmfirth.

Weather: Foggy.

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Rules of the Community

Occasionally it is necessary to remind Beaker People of the rules of the Community. This would be an appropriate time.

  • Attendance at all acts of worship is obligatory, subject to the "day of rest" regulation
  • Every member is entitled to one "day of rest" a week, when they are exempted from worship obligations. This day is not to be Sunday (obviously), Monday (named after the moon), Wednesday (when we hold our midweek moon-gaze), Thursday (named after the one with the thunderbolts - you can't be too careful), Friday (end-of-week wind-down, and start of weekenders' visits) and Saturday (Shabbat).
  • All members of the community whose day of rest is on Tuesday are expected to participate in digging the garden, chopping wood, gathering fruit, and other spiritual (and productive) activities. Don't think of it as mind-numbing drudgery - think of it as good for your souls.
  • Senior members of the Druidry team are entitled to rest from the early morning devotions at short notice, on account of the need for them to take part in late-night meditation sessions and philosophising.
  • Dancing in the woods on Aspley Heath is still subject to the law of the land, and membership of the community will not exempt you if young Keith's uncle the policemen should decide action is necessary.
  • Stay off the Great Trilithon. We still can't afford a concrete one, and we think the current one may have woodworm.

Friday, 7 March 2008

Lovely Lightning

Very Irate Message from Archdruid Irene

From the presence of a standing stone in the orchard, it would appear that somebody has brought a souvenir back from Avebury.

I don't care how you got it here, but get it back immediately the same way. We don't want to attract any unwanted attention from above. Also I'm pretty sure they must count them occasionally to see if they've lost one.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Things we did wrong at Stonehenge

(a) Turning up at 11 am and demanding to know when the solstice sunrise is due
(b) Doing an impression of the Planet People from the Quatermass TV Series, walking around with plumb lines, chanting "Ley, Ley, Ley" and looking expectantly to the skies.
(c) Mock sacrifices
(d) Climbing over the ropes and heading for the circle
(e) Using one of the ropes to construct a swing
(f) Having an argument with English Heritage, and demanding that the monument be given back to its rightful owners, Beaker Heritage
(g) Dressing up as an Ooser and scaring the American tourists. Can somebody please return the Ooser to Dorset County Museum?
(g) Putting on those fake druids' beards