Liturgy for the 1697th anniversary of the Battle of Milvian Bridge

A dull grey morning as the two opposing armies (led by Hnaef and Eileen) head out onto the Field of Battle (the Great Meadow).

Archdruid: OK, so I'm Constantine... 

Hnaef: No, I'm Constantine

Archdruid: No, I'm Constantine. 

Hnaef: I'm Constantine

Burton: I'm Spartacus.

Harfwit: I'm Spartacus.

Earwig: No, I'm Spartacus.

Eldric: I'm Spartacus....

("joke" continues until a number of Spartaci receive prods with a pokey-pokey sword*)

We recite the list of things that Constantine's victory ultimately did for us:

All: The Nicene Creed;  The Fall of Arianism; Oecumenical Councils; The Christianisation of Europe; People Referring to "perichoresis" and meaning a girly dance; Christmas; The division of the Roman Empire; the Fall of the Western Empire; The Byzantine Empire; The Holy Roman Empire; The British Empire; The Austro-Hungarian Empire; The Ottoman Empire; Saint Augustine; the other Saint Augustine; the other Saint Augustine that nobody's ever heard of; The Roman Inquisition; The Spanish Inquisition; The Welsh Inquisition (Aberyswyth Branch Office); The Church of England; Erastianism;The persecution of the Waldensians; The Invention of the True Cross; Hammersmith Palais; The Bolshoi Ballet; Jump Back in the Alley and Nanny Goats; The Iconoclastic Controversy; The Filioque; The Dissolution of the Monasteries; The Chi-Rho symbol; The European Union; Swine Flu; The European Central Bank.

Archdruid: OK, enough with the Constantinian legacy already.  Let's fight!

There is war in Husborne Crawley.  The Archdruid and her Beaker Folk battle against Hnaef and his Beaker Folk.  And Hnaef is thrown down into the Husborne Brook.

At this point in the original battle, the body of Maxentius was dragged from the river, decapitated and dragged around Rome.  In our Beaker version, Hnaef is dragged back out of the brook, hosed down and given a hot toddy.

Four Giant Rabbits of the Apocalypse hop across the Great Meadow, scattering Beaker Folk in all directions, in a totally unexpected diversion from the liturgy.

Archdruid: What's that glowing cross-shaped object in the sky?

All: An Easyjet plane coming out of Luton, Eileen.  You ask that every morning.

* Copyright Eddie Izzard