Saturday 26 February 2011

De-frag your congregation™

Worship not warming up so quickly in the mornings? General sense of apathy? Nasty grinding noises at the congregational meetings? Things over-heating?  Maybe things are getting a bit fragged-up. It's time to De-frag your Congregation™ .

This is a newly-formatted congregation. The loyal worshippers are up the front to hear the preacher, packed in closely to show their spiritual unity.

As members join and leave, the congregation becomes more fragmented. Empty seats start to appear, where worshippers used to sit but no longer do.

Some "bad sectors" can form, while other types of worshipper can appear and start to interfere with the smooth operation of your congregation. Things are becoming increasingly fragmented.The performance of the worship group starts to degrade.

This is when you need to De-frag your Congregation™.  De-frag your Congregation™  goes through the fellowship, re-arranging it into a more efficient format. The Bad Sectors are grouped out of the way (ideally making the coffee), where they can't do any more harm . Worship is once again efficient - and you'll be glad you used De-frag your Congregation


If you're happy with De-frag your Congregation™ , Church Mouse has suggested to me that you also need the Biocidal handwash. If Swine flu comes back, you'll be glad of the extra virus protection.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

19 comments :

  1. That's the spirit!

    But what does the Archdruid think about that?

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  2. excellent, I'll try this out A.S.A.P

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  3. is the beta software available for general trial yet... it's urgent

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  4. Holger, I'm fine with it. Once I've got all the Bad Sector in one place I can send them round to Drayton's chapel. Although I would prefer it to work in round worship spaces like our own - so much less hierarchical than a square one, and everyone can see the throne better. But Burton says that square just suits him better, for some reason.

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    1. Identify the bad sectors and send them away. Seems like Peter the Rock denied Jesus three times -- bad sector. Thomas would not believe -- bad sector. Etc.
      Jesus is love. Jesus does not send people away unfilled.
      I believe in Papa God and Brother Jesus and Holy Spirit as my trusted friends.
      I styongly question trusting those who say they represent my three friends on earth and then marginalise or expel the "bad sectors".

      Delete
  5. Why didn't I think of that? Until now I thought the only alternative was fragging the congregation!

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  6. Brilliant!

    I find closing the church building and moving into a hall works almost as well...

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  7. Truly wondrous. Everywhere I go, vast blocks of green...

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  8. Alan -

    That's congregations green with envy at your grasp of theology and your astonishing liturgical panache.

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  9. MikeCamel, you're a big creep. Are you related to Hnaef in some way.

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  10. But, what about the bad sectors... ;)

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  11. Steve, if we can get the bad sectors off to Drayton's chapel we're laughing.

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    Replies
    1. Sick, sad and un-Christian.

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  12. It's no good if you are only running the Church equivalent of Windows 3.1

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  13. I took 'bad sectors' to mean the seats under the leaking roof where no one can sit. you can't move bad sectors you have to work round them.

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  14. Gpott: Indeed! You have to add them to the "badspot file", aka "the bits with all the buckets and sponges and 'Caution: Wet Surface' signs". =:o}

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