Tuesday 21 May 2013

Church Architecture - Some Definitions

Aumbry 1) Someone who was meant to be called Audrey, but the vicar had a cold at the baptism. 2) Somewhere in an evangelical church to keep flowers.

Apse - circular recess where you can get a good signal for your mobile.

Balcony - traditionally where the youth group were parked during services in some non-conformist churches. If the youngest person in the gallery is over 70, it may be worth checking downstairs to see if anyone is left.

Box pews - place for arguing parishioners.

Buttress - something that holds the Church up (see "pillar of the Church")

Chancel - "Will we be able to move the choir?" - "Chancel be a fine thing."

Children's corner - some old toys and some old carpet. Less sound-retentive than their designers seem to imagine.

Choir Gallery - In some high Methodist chapels, the choir sit behind and above the pulpit. Handy if the preacher is talking out the back of their neck.

Choir stalls - a common problem in cold weather.  Best solved by switching the organ off and on again.

Coat of arms - reminder of who the Tudors really thought should be in charge.

Communion Rail - complaint that the vicar's started facing the wrong way.

Flying buttress - sign of a really fractious church meeting.

Font - Comic Sans in the Welcome Leaflet is always a bad sign.

Hot-air vents - effective method of heating roof spaces and the lower portions of people in cassocks.

List of vicars - a list of dead people,  with s couple of living ones at the end, and not much space after the last one. A living parable of the church's history and likely future.

Mural 1) Person called Muriel who was baptized by a vicar with a cold 2) (Last Judgement) - reminder that, at the last day, sinners will be covered in whitewash for 400 years.

Narthex - the Doctor's most deadly foe.

Pew - hard, cold,  ilong, impractical, immobile seat. Named after the fireman in Trumpton.

Popcorn maker - replacement for pulpit for Pentecost services.

Portico - door for posh people.

Pulpit - place for talking down to people. Now largely abandoned in favour of talking down to them from ground level.

Rood screen - not really rude, not a proper screen.

Victorian re-ordering - smug architectural and social disaster.

Whitewashed walls - reminder that some people really hate pleasure.

Vestibule - a small vest.

Vestry - place so cold you have to wear a vestibule.

3 comments :

  1. Notice board - place to keep all the old posters to save trips to the recycling bins.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Porch - a gathering place for teenagers to socialise and drink with members of the opposite sex

    ReplyDelete
  3. Popcorn Maker? You must have been watching the clip on Robb Sutherland's latest blog!
    http://changingworship.wordpress.com/2013/05/21/worship-idea-pentecost-popcorn/

    ReplyDelete

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