Can you hear us?
WE'RE ON THE TRAIN!!!!!!
We have erred and strayed in our ways
just as the 0738 strays from its timetable.
When people on cheap returns have tried to get through the barriers in rush hour,
when we've had a hard day,
we have wished we could push them over
and walk over their backs.
We have tweeted in the hardness of our hearts about those who talk noisily on phones.
Then taken calls ourselves.
It was important.
We have sat in the half-carriage next to first class
to get free WiFi.
We have put a third bike in the bike carriage
when the signs clearly say two only.
In fact, got five on one day
when it was busy and the inspector couldn't get down the train.
[Middle aged male cyclists]
We have worn inappropriate Lycra
knowing other people would have to gaze upon our unnecessarily accentuated and not improved bodies.
We have growled when people have been slow in sitting down
wondering why they appear to have packed their entire lives into their rucksacks
and why they need it all for a thirty minute train journey.
We have pretended to sleep when the ticket inspector comes through
not because we don't have tickets
but it's effort, innit?
We have put our huge bags on the seats next to us
to ward off those who might sit next to us.
And we have shoved massive Luggages under the tables
then gnashed our teeth at those who ask us to move them.
And we have sat on the outside of an empty seat
in the hope they might just go away and sit on the parcel rack.
The big rack at the end of the carriage, obviously.
Not the overhead ones. That would be ridiculous.
Although maybe worth trying on a Thameslink.
We have complained inwardly in our hearts at those that crunch noisily.
Even as noisily as Moses breaking the tablets of the commandments.
And yet, after working late, we have eaten kebabs
Even such as whose fragrance reaches unto heaven.
But one thing we have not done.
One thing is anathema.
We have never stood right in front of the doors when getting on a train,
making it awkward for people to get off.
We'd never do that.
That is the behaviour of pagans, day-trippers and amateurs.
We thank God we are not like such as them.