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Archdruid Eileen: Archdruid of the Beaker Folk - rules with a rod of iron (and a Slazenger V400 Cricket Bat). Theologically more orthodox than she sounds, she has taken "all things to all people" to a whole new plane. Back from sabbatical and no more mellow.

Hnaef: Eileen's very-nearly-loyal Executive Deputy Druid. Runs an archery school for people with no thumbs in his "day" job, thus qualifying as "NAPDLE" - "Not a Proper Druid Like Eileen". In charge of discipline and knitting.

Daphne: Hnaef's wife. Explains women's rights to him whenever he fails to understand.

Charlii: Assistant Archdruid and Eileen's daughter-in-law. Until Eileen's sabbatical, often to be found wearing a squirrel outfit, due to being an expert in Children's Work (a role that often befalls the trainee). Expecting a grand-druid for Eileen in the summer.

Burton Dasset: Obsessive accountant, beer-mat collector, train-spotter and Community Treasurer.

Drayton Parslow: Fundamentalist Baptist pastor of the fellowship meeting in Bogwulf Chapel. Not a Beaker Person, but Eileen lets him stay in a cottage in the grounds because he'd perish in the wild. Has a terrifying wife, Marjorie. Believes in the headship of males because Marjorie tells him that's what God wants.

Marston Moretaine: Official Idiot.

Young Keith: Illegitimate son (it turns out) of Archdruid Eileen. Inclined to  blow things up during "alternative worship". Fond of a pint at the White Horse. Married to Charlii.

Edith Weston, Stacey Bushes, Aelfried, Aelwine, Burleigh, Morgoth etc: Beaker People of varying degrees.

PC Ben Connolly: Young Keith's adoptive "uncle". Keeps the peace, and keeps the Beaker People out of trouble.

WodeWose: Ancient mythical being who lives in the woods and muses on life with a group of talking rabbits and squirrels.

Piper at the Gates of Dawn: aka Herne the Hunter, Pan. Degenerate nature god who turns up an hour late at summer festivities due to not understanding British Summer Time.

Squonk: Mythical American folk-creature who is incurably ugly. Crying due to its ugliness, it is easy to follow due to the trail of tears it leaves. If you capture it, will dissolve into a puddle of tears.


  1. Two obvious 70s prog rock references there.

    Or maybe I am seeing things too obviously and directly. Perhaps I need to turn the ambient music up, restart my sacramental waterfall and light some tealights and repeat over and over 'I must look for the underlying meaning and metaphor' an undefined and fuzzy number of times.

    1. It could only be the two. We've capped-off the Fountain of Salmacis due to the unfortunate effects on the menfolk.

  2. Just discovered your site,feel all warm and fuzzy now.

  3. Just discovered your site,feel all warm and fuzzy now.

  4. Brilliant liturgy, which, no doubt about it, the church will be quick to adopt.

  5. I'm going to change my Twitter handle to @WodeWose.

  6. Slazenger cricket bats are very expensive. One sold on eBay for sixteen pounds. Has it been well knocked in?

  7. references to Genesis have to be very biblical? still looking for the book of Pink Floyd - must be in the minor prophets somewhere - oh ans surely there is some giant hogweed to be found in husborne crawley just to keep up the theme?

    love it ;o)


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